The Hunter and the Tortoise Image Source: reddit A village hunter went farther into the forest than he usually did While he was roaming around, he heard a song When the song was finished, he looked to see who it was. The songstress was a tortoise The hunter asked the tortoise if he could take her home so he could listen to her sing every day The tortoise agreed, only if he promised that she only sang for him The hunter did not stay content with their arrangement The hunter wanted to gain honor The hunter told the people of the village about the wonderful singing tortoise The people didn't believe the hunter. He offered them to take his life if he was found to be lying about the tortoise He brought the tortoise to the assembly place, but she did not sing The hunter was beheaded After he was killed, the tortoise spoke She said he brought the punishment on himself
Hi Daphne! I just saw your portfolio page and it is looking good. I am not doing a portfolio myself so it is neat to see someone that is. I think that the flowers on your home page are very cute and they match the flowers on your comment wall so you have a good theme going. I think it is great that you want to improve your own stories. I think that your first story is very well written and made me want to keep reading. I think that your approach to writing this story was well thought out. Your authors note did a good job of explaining the original plot and what you decided to change from that was visible in your story. The only thing that I could see a problem with is the font that you used for your portfolio page. It might just be me because I have bad vision but it was somewhat hard to read. Other than that it looks great, Daphne!ReplyDelete
Hi Daphne, I love that you chose to do a portfolio. I am doing a portfolio in Indian Epics and I think it is such a good way to expand your writing abilities and focus on fixing mistakes you made in the first draft and dive further into the stories. As a suggestion, maybe explain which changes you made to your story in order to make it a final draft in your author's note. Or which editing challenge you referenced in order to make these changes! I think your story was super well done and I am interested to see what else you do!ReplyDelete
Hello, Daphne. Great job on your story. I recently wrote a story about elephants, but there isn't much emotion in it. Your story on the other hand is very emotional. You also did a good job of painting a picture of Sadie's exploration. My story was more about themes and ideas, I would say. The theme here is family and love, isn't it? I think that's great. You did a good job at adapting an Aesop story as well. I also am glad the circus leader's heart softened. I always love when people repent for evil.ReplyDelete
In the third to last paragraph, I for some reason had trouble immediately understanding why the father was explaining leaving and coming back. Maybe the dialogue from the father confuses me--no, I got it. "Sadie’s father explained to her that the heartbreak of losing her drove them to leave." I think if it was established in this sentence that the father is talking about the past it would make more sense to me. This is just a nitpick, though. It may not make any sense.
In the second to last paragraph you have present tense verbs a couple times when the entire story has been told in past tense. That'll be an easy fix. Scrambles to scrambled for example. Overall, good job, Daphne.
I really enjoyed reading you story! It was so sad to hear about how Sadie was treated when the men captured her for the circus. I like how you were very descriptive on Sadie's emotions because it gave great insight into how she was feeling during various events throughout her life. I was wondering how the boy injured his leg. I know Sadie saved him by feeding him and healing his leg, but it never mentioned how he hurt it. I would love to read about more about the boy's experience living with elephants. I think that would be super awesome and fun to read about. I did have a slight issue with getting used to the font mixed with the darker colored background but was still able to read it ok. You might take that into consideration, but overall, I think the story was great. I can't wait to read more of your stories.
Hi Daphne, good job with your project so far! I like your title “Daphne’s Library”—it fits really well with the portfolio project. I also like the images and colors you’ve chosen for the site design. You might consider changing the fonts around a little. Bolding the titles and making the body text more or a simple font could help with readability. As for your story, making it about an elephant and boy in the circus was super creative and gives it more of a modern feel than the original story. I can tell you put a lot of thought into it, especially since it seems like you wrote two different versions of the story. One thing I was wondering about: how was Sadie’s family still alive after she was in the circus for 50 years? I don’t know if elephants live that long. I also couldn’t really tell where the story took place, because watering holes and circuses are located in very different places in my head. Maybe mentioning an actual place would help with that! Overall I really enjoyed reading this.ReplyDelete
The story of Androcles and the Lion is one of my favorites, so it was cool to see a different approach to the story. I am a little curious as to where Sadie and her family live. Do they live in a known play, such as in one of the many deserts of Africa, or do they live in a fictional world with an entirely different terrain than we knew? I like how you told the story from Sadie's perspective, who didn't really know anything of man's inventions and so could only describe them when referencing them. There is a true sense that Sadie is completely separated from her home and family, thrown into a foreign environment. I am surprised the ringmaster let the boy and Sadie go so easily, but it is nice to know that even the cruel can be softened. Do you plan on extending the story of Sadie and the boy? Maybe later telling a story of the boy being taken back into society, a place now foreign to him.
Wanting to improve your writing is a very good reason to do a portfolio! In the first story, changing it from Roman mythology to Norse mythology was a very good idea. I think that it made it more accessible in a way. A lot of people know Loki from Marvel, so that name would be familiar to them, even if they do not know that he had several children.
In the second story, I like that you had Sadie, the elephant, rescue the boy first, and then had the boy save her when they reach the circus. In the original, the man rescued the lion before the lion rescued him. Your tenses change a couple of times, which made it a little hard to get into the story.
I really liked the stories in your portfolio so far! I cannot wait to read what stories you write next!
Hi Daphne! Great job with your portfolio! I am doing a portfolio myself, but I think yours is way cuter than mine. I was unfamiliar with your first story, but I did recognize Loki's name. Maybe add just a tiny bit more to your author's note for people like me. Even when I read the author's note I still was unclear of the original story. Your second story was very good. I did not read this story for the unit reading, but I did to compare your story and I really liked your edits! I did wonder what exactly the setting is? Is this realistic (like happening in a specific place in the world)or fictional? Also, like Cady said make sure that you are using the same tense for all of your verbs because it was a little inconsistent and I think that will help clear some things up. Great start with your project and I cannot wait to read more!ReplyDelete
Hi! Including the character list at the top was very helpful and also very unique! I love seeing anything right away when coming to a page that is different from other projects in the class, so I really liked that touch :)ReplyDelete
Your imagery and descriptions in this story are WONDERFUL. You're a really good writer!! For example, while I was reading the section where you wrote "her bones broke and fused back together as they grew. She could feel her muscles tearing and her skin itched as she grew fur. She now stands seven feet tall, has four legs, fur as black as night but her eyes still shine like emeralds," I was completely captivated and could picture it perfectly.
This sentence did not make sense to me - I think it is a typo: " Loki, furious with his son, and forced him to the farm on Midgard to take Abernathy’s life." I think the 'and' is extra. Also, in that same paragraph, you begin with a character's name for about 4 sentences in a row followed by a brief description. That could be stylistic, or maybe try to re-order one or two of the sentences. AMAZING job!
I read your first two stories and was pleasantly surprised to see that they are completely different stories! I thought they were both entertaining and easy to follow, so double thumbs up to that.
At first, I was a little frightened by the number of characters and places in the first story, but found it very easy to digest as I got into the story. Being vaguely familiar with Norse myth and marvel movies made it a much easier read, but I'm glad you included the list for a quick refresher! Your twisting of the tale to fit a Norse universe and deviations from the original story make it a very dreamy tale.
The second tale, The Elephant and the Boy, really pulled on the heartstrings. It actually prompted me to watch a youtube video with elephant trainer and acrobat Rene Casselly. What part of the world is this story taking place in? If I could suggest one thing, it would be to change the # of years that it takes Sadie to return home to a more realistic # so that her father could still realistically be alive. Looking forward to the third story!
Reading your 2nd story, I like how you start off by talking about Sadie's family members. Each one of them is cautious of humans and they warn Sadie. I also like how you use descriptive words like "tenderness" to give a little more context to the family characters, and how you use adjectives throughout the story. Interesting that Sadie seems to wander off right after being warned, she must have had great curiosity for the world. I like the transition from her being captured to many years in the future. Especially how you end that paragraph with her longing to see her family. Great foreshadowing and use of direction. I may suggest a detail hinting at how the boy got there or even a thought from Sadie like "I've heard some men leave behind injured children to fight for themselves but I've never seen it until now." Also, I am curious about if the boy and Sadie talked with words or how did they communicate? I like the scene where the ringmaster's heart is softened. It shows a different angle of humans as they seem to be more antagonists. The ending is great. It wraps up the story and since the humans released Sadie now Sadie's family accepts the boy. Both sides accepting each other in different ways. Great story, Daphne!
Hey Daphne! So both of your stories are really great! I like how you took a Roman myth and changed it into a Norse one. I am a big mythology fan, so I knew all the Norse gods, but I think it was a great idea to list them all out for those that do not know. The second story was so sweet! I like how you changed the animal from a lion to an elephant. Elephants are amazing creatures and can form really close bonds with humans. I felt like you explained her origins very well in the story. This week we are commenting on paragraph structure. My only suggestion is maybe you can make the dialogue quotes their own line? Like separate them from the descriptions? It really helps with reading. I had the same problem before and Laura gave me the suggestion to separate them out and now it works much better. I am looking forward to reading more of your stories! Again, great job!ReplyDelete